Behavior | PeopleSense Consulting

You won’t get the best of someone when they are backed into a corner

On February 24, 2012 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 8 Comments

Just a few weeks ago the warming temperatures began rapid melting and the loud noises from the shifting ice scared Grace. You can see the tail between her legs, legs braced and body down, ready to flee. Whether the threat is real or perceived, we aren

When Grace thinks I’m upset with her, her tail goes between her back legs. She cowers lower to the ground. Her ears retreat and she has this guilty, shameful look.

I imagine my own signals of distress are not that obvious. Others might see my face begin to blush but they can’t see my heart about to jump outside of my body because of how hard and loud it is beating.

It’s important that we recognize those signals, for ourselves, but also for others.

This week I had occasion to witness several interactions where one person in the room was feeling threatened by another person. It wasn’t a fist fight or anything dramatic, in fact, fairly subtle signs surfaced, but it was there. I could tell that the person was feeling less than supported by the conversation. It’s not a great feeling for whoever is on the receiving end.

The individual dishing out the language is feeling better for having voiced their opinion and I’m all in favor of making sure you share all feedback — whether good, bad, or indifferent.

Yet the manner in which it is done is so critical for the outcomes. You shouldn’t sugar coat feedback, nor should you say something positive if it’s not accurate. But you need to be respectful, keeping in mind that the other person has their own perspective, which has validity and should be acknowledged and explored.

When a person feels backed into a corner, it’s hard to come out gracefully. One way is to cower, like Grace tends to do, and just give in. But no one wins because the real issues have not been addressed.

Long-lasting solutions will only happen when the parties begin to think about the problem creatively, and with curiosity, as opposed to throwing out self-motivated fixes. Do whatever you can to have all the parties participate in the resolution.

When you’re barking loud enough to put someone in a corner, think about ways to back off to allow room for the discussion.

Why a dog matters to your leadership style

On January 3, 2012 / Graceful Leadership, Managing / 10 Comments

This picture was taken just days after I got Grace. She wore a harness because she had escaped from a collar while at her foster home and had remained outdoors for a few weeks, not allowing anyone to catch her. I wanted to make sure she became familiar with her new surroundings so that she would know this was her home before allowing her off-leash, a process that took many months.

I’m in the midst of redesigning my website. One of the primary goals is to integrate this blog so it has the same look and feel as the website. Which means I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how to articulate why this dog-inspired blog should beintegrated to my consulting practice. One might wonder how they are related at all!

I’ve had dogs most of my life, but when I found Grace in 2005, something was different. There was almost an immediate – and ongoing – connection between my experiences with her and my work. It was kinda strange, but also very intriguing. At the time, I wrote a few articles for my monthly newsletter, but I never published those stories. Time passed but the feeling I had about this connection didn’t.

Fast forward to February 2011 when a marketing consultant and I were having a conversation. After I told her that I just kept thinking of all the parallels, she encouraged me to write about Grace. So I did. (Thank you, Annie.) When I sit down to write these posts, the inspiration comes so easily. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to say before I start; somehow the ideas find their way effortlessly from my fingers to the keyboard.

The person helping me with the website redesign suggested I come up with a list of 20 reasons why the connection between dogs and leadership were important to me. That list quickly outnumbered 20! But the list was wordy and not very clever. I felt stuck (and still do) with coming up with a catchy, meaningful phrase. (I welcome any suggestions!)

This was taken the other night, a peaceful Grace with her favorite squirrel toy close by in her comfy bed. The best managers mentor employees, placing a priority and focus on professional development. I

Mostly, I feel that all things are connected in our lives. The way we approach a problem with our dog is going to be the same as the way we approach a situation as a manager. (I can see some of you shaking your head in disagreement about that one. That deserves its own post where I can share lots of examples.)

We learn best from real-life experiences and will have a greater appreciation for those things that are familiar and dear to us. I’ve had people tell me that even though they don’t currently have a dog, they understand the connections I’m making with situations in the workplace.

I also believe that our learning doesn’t happen in isolation. We don’t have to attend a seminar on leadership to learn about leadership. We can witness situations with other people – or dogs – and gain valuable knowledge and skills.

One obvious example is how Grace’s fearful nature impacts her interactions with others, especially small children. She will either cower or strike, depending on the severity of the situation where she feels backed into a corner. And that is no different in a workplace. When an employee feels threatened, likely in more subtle ways from something that may appear completely benign, such as receiving constructive feedback about their performance, they may shut down or act out. Understanding where they are coming from will help navigate the best outcomes.

Watching this video makes me laugh at how simple it seems on the surface — what dog wouldn’t follow your hand for a treat? But often we forget that the simplest things must be mastered before we can learn more challenging tasks. This easy exercise was recommended by our agility instructor to get Grace familiar with moving in different directions. If managers skip the foundation, nothing worthwhile can be built.

JavaScript required to play Training requires building a foundation of things that seem ridiculously easy..

I’ve always loved facilitating strong and constructive relationships in the workplace, whether as a manager or a team member. I’ve made mistakes and had some grand accomplishments.

Yesterday I made three dozen whitefish, oat, and vegetable muffins for Grace, as part of my new attempt to feed her healthy (and homemade) food, something I never imagined doing before learning more about a dog's nutritional needs. This is particularly significant since I don

And with Grace, the same is true. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve also had some big successes in her development. It’s been a rewarding journey that has a long way to go.

My hope is that as I share these events, we can benefit and learn together. As we enter this new year, I look forward to discovering new experiences with Grace — and with all of you. Your perspective, feedback, ideas, information, and support that you offer is so helpful, not just to me, but to others. Combining shared wisdom is much more powerful (and fun)!

That’s a model I’d like to set for workplace environments, too.

Two things to do when someone is ignoring you

On November 29, 2011 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 7 Comments

"It's just easier to go around ...."

There are times when I feel that Grace is ignoring me. (And I’m sure she does on occasion.)

But mostly I think she just doesn’t always understand what I’m saying. What often looks to me as if she’s ignoring me is very likely a result of her not knowing what I’m saying. When she’s afraid and I say, “It’s o.k.; those kids aren’t going to hurt you,” her fear isn’t allowing her to comprehend me.

"And I like following where you go ...."

Agility is an incredible practice field to learn how to communicate more clearly. Every word, intonation, and movement becomes pieces to the puzzle that help Grace and I learn how to converse more effectively. If I said ‘tunnel’ when I meant ‘tire’ (which happened at times when I got hurried or distracted), I made it even more difficult for her to decipher my message. You’d think getting the right word would be the easy part – and it was! So you can imagine other times when I forgot to offer a hand signal or moved in a direction that was confusing instead of clarifying.

Transitions can generate excitement or stress

On October 28, 2011 / Change, Graceful Leadership / 5 Comments

The golden leaves that have not been released from the branches reveal the edges of fall that remain while the snow is rushing the transition of seasons.

The transition of seasons is a fitting metaphor for the changes in our lives and within each of us. The yellow, orange and curry colors of the leaves looked bland yesterday, yet now are a bold contrast against the dusting of snow that fell last night. Fall is not over, yet winter weather rushed in to prove it will come—and soon.

Sometimes we have a force in our life that pushes us to a transition. In my last post, I talked about the need for managers and friends to be patient with the timetable that someone needs to move outside their comfort zone. Today, I’m writing to say that as individuals, that if we aren’t doing enough on our own to find the right pace, we might get a nudge (or a jolt!) to push us. Perhaps the snow did that today to warn the animals of the bitter cold that will soon take hold. And while the critters will most likely listen, they may be panicked as they scurry for food. Moving on your own timeline creates less stress, and can even be exciting if you approach a change with a mindset of good outcomes versus being in distress as a result of a crisis.

Move outside your comfort zone — at your own pace

On October 26, 2011 / Change, Graceful Leadership / 9 Comments

“I’ve always believed that the pure of heart can go unharmed where others fear to tread.”

This is what Grace does when she gets overwhelmed -- snuggles in deep, nice and cozy within her comfort zone. Ever had one of those days?

That is a quote from a fellow blogger, Sara. She had written it months ago and at the time, I retyped it and taped it next to my monitor so I could read it often and be reminded of its message. To me, it was a way of saying that moving outside of your comfort zone can be invigorating rather than agonizing. When you are clear about something (pure of heart), then the choices become easy and you can move forward instead of keeping the status quo that you aren’t happy with. You can acknowledge your fear but you don’t have to be bound by it.

Pestered into action

On October 14, 2011 / Graceful Leadership, Managing / 6 Comments

Grace reluctantly waiting for her dinner, probably an unwarranted punishment I inflicted upon her for having pestered me for it.

Have you ever been pestered enough that you do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily do?

That just happened to me. For the last 30 minutes while trying to work, Grace has been whining and pawing at my chair. It’s almost an hour before her normal dinner time. And sometimes she does get antsy when it gets near that time of day.

So my patience gave way and I got up to put food in her dish. Then I caught myself. Wait. What am I doing? How come she is calling the shots here?

Didn’t I already tell you that?

On October 7, 2011 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 5 Comments

Does the following statement sound familiar: “I have specifically told him not to do that, but yet he still does it. It drives me crazy.”

Or this one: “I know we’ve talked about that. And she said she understood. Yet just this morning, I witnessed her doing the same thing without making the changes we had discussed and agreed upon.”

I think we’ve all been there. Frustrated that something we felt had been communicated wasn’t translating in to action.

I was on the other end of this conversation last week when meeting with Grace’s chiropractor. As we were wrapping up, Donna diplomatically offered a suggestion for me about working with Grace. She had noticed earlier, when we were sitting and talking, that Grace had been pacing around. Donna’s suggestion is that when Grace is showing early signs of anxiety that I ask her to “have a job” – something as simple as sitting down. It allows Grace to focus on following a command versus wondering what she should be doing in an unfamiliar and potentially stressful situation.

A cowlick tells a more important story

On October 4, 2011 / Graceful Leadership, Leading / 11 Comments

This was taken in July 2011 and shows the rougher hair around Grace

Who knew that a cowlick had so much to say? I sure didn’t!

This picture was taken during the summer of 2005, soon after I got Grace. After Donna saw these, she said the difference was striking; the cowlick had developed over time.

But it was first thing that shouted out to the chiropractor when she looked at Grace last week. In fact, I had sent her a couple of pictures the day prior to our visit, and she said she immediately noticed it there, too. Apparently a cowlick is a major red flag that indicates issues with a nervous system. “Couldn’t it have something to do with her being a mixed breed?” I asked. “Maybe,” Donna replied, “but it is usually a signal of something wrong.”

The power of liking lichen

On September 23, 2011 / Motivating / 6 Comments

I was taking pictures of Jill before I realized why. I was so drawn by her ability to make something ordinary, extraordinary. This Lichen Lady captivated my attention.

As the end of this week rolls around, it strikes me that I’ve had numerous conversations that focus on career choices. While at the grocery store late one afternoon, I ran into an old friend who told me her current work isn’t that rewarding and she is starting a process to figure out what she really wants to do. She asked if I could I help her.

And while having lunch with a colleague yesterday, he was telling me about the challenges in his son’s job search and the simple, yet wise, advice given to him by a high school counselor: “Find what you love to do, and do it.”

While in Alaska on our vacation, we found a few special people who had done just that. Jill, a New Englander by birth, had relocated to Alaska many years ago as part of her multiple cross-country moves that allowed her to work in forestry and conservation-related jobs. She also taught in schools along the way.

She gave us a guided nature tour alongside a river at the Kantishna Roadhouse, deep in Denali National Park. She and her husband live in Fairbanks year-round, but in the summers, she makes special arrangements to be in the Park.

I’ve never, ever, in my life been around anyone who liked lichen like Jill did!

You can see that everyone is actively learning, touching and smelling the lichen as Jill explains it to us. We were there at peak foliage season and even the plain, low-growing shrubs were beautiful.

Honestly, I could care less about lichen. I wouldn’t have even gone on this tour except the dog-sled demonstration was canceled because the person heading that up was ill that day. And while I love a good walk in the woods, I have absolutely no interest to learn more about lichen or spend time understanding the ins and outs of it. Until I met Jill.

Jill doesn’t just like lichen. She loves it. She understands it. She wants it be understood. She was serious about it. She showed us how there were 15 different types of lichens within a two-foot square radius. She also talked about the berries, the shrubs, the trees that supported the lichen. She made it light, interesting, engaging, and relevant. We were hanging on her every word. About lichen! It was cracking me up.

It proved to me that when someone brings complete energy and love for their work, it impacts everyone, even if they aren’t as passionate. As we were ending the tour, Jill said, “What I hope you leave with is this: knowing that the Alaskan tundra is very diverse.” She continued to add that when you think of cold climates and tundra conditions, you don’t think anything grows, but it does. And now I do remember that. I did absolutely learn about the region in a way that I would not have if it hadn’t been for her devotion to sharing it with us.

In our two weeks of touring Alaska, we had many guides. None of them were rude or unwelcoming. All of them shared information and were helpful. But just a select few were exceptional. When we were around one of those exceptional people, the memories lasted. The impact was obvious. These individuals loved what they did.

In addition to Gitte and Jill, there was another grand guide we had. You’ll meet him next time.

What does Grace have to do with any of this? Not much that I can come up with. I doubt Grace would care much about the lichen, but somehow I think Jill would make it enjoyable for her, too.

What is it that you love about your job?

Vacation time offers opportunity to see the big picture of “performance”

On September 16, 2011 / Leading / 11 Comments

A couple of people have asked me how Grace did while we were away on vacation. We have often left Grace with two different families, good friends who are really great with Grace, but this time was a little different. First it was longer; this would be two weeks and while there was one time we were gone three weeks, this was an unusually long time to be separated.

Hurricane Irene had roared up the East Coast just prior to our departure. She caused power outages in our region and one friend [who watches Grace] works for the electric company. After getting our local area back on track, her job required her to travel to Connecticut for major restoration efforts there. That meant she wasn’t available to be hostess to Nervous Nellie (code name for Grace). The other family who typically watches Grace had plans for part of the time we would be gone. (I never worry about her there, even though they have a small toddler, typically a huge issue for Grace. Even at three years old, that little guy somehow has made his way into her heart and Grace is even protective of him! That’s a good story for another day.)

Leaving Grace just anywhere isn’t something I’m willing to do. She gets nervous with new places and new people and I could board her, but try to leave that as a last option.

Lucky for us—and for Grace—another friend agreed to give Grace a try. Before we left, I went over and got Grace familiar with her house and property. Grace has met MaryAnn on many occasions at our house and so I was certain she would remember that connection. I just wasn’t sure what she would think about an entirely new place for a whole week. (And neither was MaryAnn!)

On our trial visit to MaryAnn’s, Grace whined nearly the entire time. Oh gosh, I’m thinking, I hope she doesn’t do that – it would drive anyone nuts. But MaryAnn wasn’t concerned and we agreed to give it a-go.

On an email check-in during the trip, MaryAnn reported that “Gracie is a very well-behaved pup, albeit a teensy sneaky!!” Pete immediately thought Grace had nabbed some tasty morsel at the first opportune moment (she is a scavenger, after all) and I emailed back to check. No, MaryAnn said that “sneaky (and just barely) equates a silent slither unto the end cushion on the couch which she knows is a no-no. She really is a sweetheart.”

Several days later MaryAnn reported: “She is the sweetest, most obedient dog I have ever known if we disregard the chipmunks that get up on the window ledge and waggle their ears at her!!!”

Her sentences made me melt. MaryAnn, in an extraordinarily concise and accurate reflection, was saying Grace was being wonderful while also being a little devil. She so clearly put in perspective where Grace behaved well and when she didn’t. And both were in a supportive tone.

I’ve seen Grace when she has sight of a small furry creature on the other side of a window. It isn’t pretty. She becomes crazy—whining, scratching, clawing and wanting to run out and hunt the beast down. You can’t control her. But MaryAnn, in her wisdom, knew that in this instance, she could disregard a very annoying behavior and think of the big picture. Grace was in a new place, new surroundings, and from the sounds of it, adjusting pretty well for a high-strung dog. And MaryAnn, so calm and wise, knew how to put the whole scene in perspective.

I do realize it’s easier to do this with a cute dog (though not always – I’ve lost my patience with her and regretted it afterwards). But with people in the workplace, it seems to me that we have a tendency to focus on the trait that irritates us, and very quickly start to shut down to recognize the value that the person contributes to the work and to the team.

I am grateful that MaryAnn could get beyond the annoying behaviors, especially as I know taking care of Grace was disruptive to her own schedule – not to mention her cat’s environment. Twinkee was less than excited to see Grace arrive. Even when our own world is turned upside down, it’s really important to put the entire scene in context. That way we can be objective as we address the issues and fair to the person involved.

Grace did ok on our vacation. That’s because she was with a good leader.

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