Conflict | PeopleSense Consulting

Know what’s behind you, but keep your focus on what’s ahead

On February 27, 2012 / Graceful Leadership, Leading / 4 Comments

We can all be creatures of habit. It's easy to get stuck in a particular way of thinking about a person or situation. Yet when we can look ahead instead of behind, we can find new answers, new solutions.

Last Friday, I met with a staff of a small organization to review assessment results. It was a fun and rewarding time for me, because everyone was genuinely interested in learning more about themselves and each other. They were filled with probing questions that reflected their interest in looking ahead.

They understood that there were no “right” or “wrong” results, and that the reports indicated a person’s natural style and tendency. In fact, differences can be a huge advantage on a team; the important point is to have an awareness of a particular style and know how it may influence an interaction or task on a project.

About half of this team of 20 had worked together for many years. The others have joined the company more recently, a couple of them within the last few weeks. I respected the openness of this team to move past the known dynamics of the team members who have worked together for a long time. Rather than getting mired in how they “knew” someone would react to something, they eagerly explored the motivation of the reaction that they had previously experienced. They moved away from judging that reaction as “wrong” but explored how it could be useful to think about something differently.

Yesterday when Grace and I went on a walk, she readily jumped on top of this rock. Her first instinct was to look behind (shown in the picture above), but then she turned to look ahead. I guess we all have that tendency when facing a new hurdle. But if Grace can look ahead, I know you can, too!

It’s very easy to get frustrated with someone if that person has annoyed you in the past. Yet if we enter a new conversation with that same person, bringing with us a willingness to see another way, we will likely find there is value in the other person’s approach.

Even if you don’t change the process or the decision involved, it will absolutely help you have greater respect for the other opinion when you realize that the person has genuine intentions for the same things you want.

The way you get there may be different and there isn’t anything wrong with that.

You won’t get the best of someone when they are backed into a corner

On February 24, 2012 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 8 Comments

Just a few weeks ago the warming temperatures began rapid melting and the loud noises from the shifting ice scared Grace. You can see the tail between her legs, legs braced and body down, ready to flee. Whether the threat is real or perceived, we aren

When Grace thinks I’m upset with her, her tail goes between her back legs. She cowers lower to the ground. Her ears retreat and she has this guilty, shameful look.

I imagine my own signals of distress are not that obvious. Others might see my face begin to blush but they can’t see my heart about to jump outside of my body because of how hard and loud it is beating.

It’s important that we recognize those signals, for ourselves, but also for others.

This week I had occasion to witness several interactions where one person in the room was feeling threatened by another person. It wasn’t a fist fight or anything dramatic, in fact, fairly subtle signs surfaced, but it was there. I could tell that the person was feeling less than supported by the conversation. It’s not a great feeling for whoever is on the receiving end.

The individual dishing out the language is feeling better for having voiced their opinion and I’m all in favor of making sure you share all feedback — whether good, bad, or indifferent.

Yet the manner in which it is done is so critical for the outcomes. You shouldn’t sugar coat feedback, nor should you say something positive if it’s not accurate. But you need to be respectful, keeping in mind that the other person has their own perspective, which has validity and should be acknowledged and explored.

When a person feels backed into a corner, it’s hard to come out gracefully. One way is to cower, like Grace tends to do, and just give in. But no one wins because the real issues have not been addressed.

Long-lasting solutions will only happen when the parties begin to think about the problem creatively, and with curiosity, as opposed to throwing out self-motivated fixes. Do whatever you can to have all the parties participate in the resolution.

When you’re barking loud enough to put someone in a corner, think about ways to back off to allow room for the discussion.

Two things to do when someone is ignoring you

On November 29, 2011 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 7 Comments

"It's just easier to go around ...."

There are times when I feel that Grace is ignoring me. (And I’m sure she does on occasion.)

But mostly I think she just doesn’t always understand what I’m saying. What often looks to me as if she’s ignoring me is very likely a result of her not knowing what I’m saying. When she’s afraid and I say, “It’s o.k.; those kids aren’t going to hurt you,” her fear isn’t allowing her to comprehend me.

"And I like following where you go ...."

Agility is an incredible practice field to learn how to communicate more clearly. Every word, intonation, and movement becomes pieces to the puzzle that help Grace and I learn how to converse more effectively. If I said ‘tunnel’ when I meant ‘tire’ (which happened at times when I got hurried or distracted), I made it even more difficult for her to decipher my message. You’d think getting the right word would be the easy part – and it was! So you can imagine other times when I forgot to offer a hand signal or moved in a direction that was confusing instead of clarifying.

Move outside your comfort zone — at your own pace

On October 26, 2011 / Change, Graceful Leadership / 9 Comments

“I’ve always believed that the pure of heart can go unharmed where others fear to tread.”

This is what Grace does when she gets overwhelmed -- snuggles in deep, nice and cozy within her comfort zone. Ever had one of those days?

That is a quote from a fellow blogger, Sara. She had written it months ago and at the time, I retyped it and taped it next to my monitor so I could read it often and be reminded of its message. To me, it was a way of saying that moving outside of your comfort zone can be invigorating rather than agonizing. When you are clear about something (pure of heart), then the choices become easy and you can move forward instead of keeping the status quo that you aren’t happy with. You can acknowledge your fear but you don’t have to be bound by it.

Handling difficult situations: do you “manage” it or do you have skills to work through it?

On July 22, 2011 / Graceful Leadership, Managing / Leave a comment

Cheese is a delicious short-term fix but isn't the best way to solve a problem.

When we get into a difficult situation, it’s common to just want the problem to go away. Who wouldn’t?

The way we deal with challenging situations is the key to any conflict. For those times when we don’t handle conflict well, it’s most likely because we never learned the skills to know how to navigate constructively out of it.

At the recent seminar by Suzanne Clothier, my new dog-training hero, she talked about methods to help resolve dog behavior issues. One is “management,” which is basically trying to desensitize or counter condition the behavior, such as averting attention from a bad thing to a better thing.

This isn't a great picture but it shows a time when I was trying to distract Grace with a treat. She's alert to me, but she still has a look of concern on her face. It may help reduce her anxiety of the situation momentarily, but it doesn't solve the bigger problem.

There are times when this helps. However, there is a big downside. It leaves the dog vulnerable when you aren’t around to play manager. An example of this for Grace is that when she hears or sees kids walking down the street, she gets very nervous (understatement). I’ll lure her into the kitchen with a fresh handful of cheese and have her go through rounds of ‘sit’ and ‘down’ to distract her while the kids pass by. She knows they are there but she’s more interested in the block of cheddar. But when I’m not home and the kids go by, she’s just as freaked out as she always has been, with nothing to do except stay within her fear, an unpleasant place to be.

The second option Suzanne discussed is to help the dog build skills to deal with the challenging situation. With Grace’s level of fear, it’s a multi-prong approach, but there are things to do. The skills Suzanne teaches require that the dog uses her brain to make choices on her own. This is the best option because it allows the dog to always be in control of how she reacts, even in the most challenging situations and when she’s facing it alone.

One of my clients has a stated expectation that the employees will self-manage themselves (which despite the inclusion of the word manage, is more like having the skills). The work flow is set up with a team structure versus a traditional manager-employee model. It works well for the employees and the business because it forces everyone to think about the impact they are having on each other; they work through those situations directly and collaboratively, using their minds to problem-solve versus being told what to do. Simple things like vacations aren’t approved or disapproved by a manager; they are decided by the team based on who needs to be there to get the work done. It requires that you have the skills to work through a conflict when multiple people want the same day off, which can happen during the summer or holiday seasons.

In situations of conflict in the organization, lots of time people will bury their head in the sand. Somehow they think that ignoring it will make it go away. They offer a treat of cheese without dealing with the root cause of the fear that exists from the kids walking the street.

Just as Suzanne teaches a variety of methods for building skills, there are lots of skills humans can employ in the workplace to work through a stressful, challenging, or difficult situation. One basic skill is to simply have the conversation. Don’t ignore the problem. It will not go away just because you want it to. Set aside time to talk directly with the others involved. Be respectful. Share ideas for resolution. And don’t think you have to solve it all at once. Ongoing, open dialogue is the foundation for healthy relationships. And with mutual trust, you can solve anything.

This is MY space!

On June 3, 2011 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 4 Comments

This picture was taken on the second day we had the kittens (fall of 2009). Grace and Dodger's relationship still has many moments of jealousy and bossiness (from both sides!).

One of the things I like the most about observing Grace is how literal her communication is. The same is true with our cats. Their body language tells it all. If we could observe human interactions with that level of objectivity and detachment, I think we’d often behave differently.

There are two instances that illustrate this perfectly. One happens frequently in our house, the second happened for the first time (that I was aware of) the other morning.

In our living room, we allow Grace on the furniture, but she often chooses her own bed in the evening. Once the sun goes down, she’s ready for bed. If Dodger walks by the edge of the sofa and lingers even for a second to attract my husband’s attention for a quick head rub, Grace leaps out of a deep sleep, prances over and positions herself between Dodger and Pete. She then nudges Dodger on his way, as if to say: “This is MY space. Get out!” And Dodger does. We’ve seen this scene play out on many occasions, so I was amused to witness another side of it the other morning.

I was in the basement plodding along on the elliptical machine. Oliver and Dodger keep me company, skipping around the room, chasing numerous cat toys in and around all the kinds of obstacles you might expect in a somewhat cluttered basement. Dodger had paused for a few bites of his breakfast and Grace sauntered into the room, just to say hello. Dodger’s next move was so obvious – so clear – he jumped down and raced to Grace, physically bumping into her and cutting off her route. With each turn Grace took to avoid Dodger, he continued to place himself in front of her, changing her direction, edging her out of the room. He was saying: “This is MY space. Get out!”

My first reaction was to chuckle. New room, new rules. Dodger felt he could be the one in authority in the basement. Then I thought, how interesting, since there are many times when I see Dodger respect Grace’s space. Never have I seen either cat in Grace’s bed, for example. My guess is that Grace’s actions are motivated by jealousy; Dodger’s ego and opportunity to be in charge drove him to be territorial.

Here is one of those rare moments when they prove they can co-exist in the same space, though clearly being asleep makes it more enjoyable.

And so it is with organizations. We call it working in silos when individuals or departments insist on working in isolation, preventing collaboration and integration of ideas and efficiencies. Sometimes this is done intentionally, but often I think it happens unintentionally, without being aware that we’re yelling out: “This is MY space. Get out!”

If we could recognize when we’re being defensive, it would be easy to intellectually see that we’re creating walls instead of building bridges. There is plenty of space and ample love for three animals in the same room at the same time. And I’m sure there is opportunity for us to be more collaborative in the workplace.

“Change starts with myself”

On April 22, 2011 / Graceful Leadership, Leading / 3 Comments

Grace always wants to be in the forefront of our attention -- especially when Oliver and Dodger are around. My original intention was to photograph (only) the cats because we rarely finding them napping so closely together. When Grace realized my sights were set solely on them, she plopped herself right in the way. She definitely expects others to navigate around her world instead of realizing she could adjust as well.

Grace really thinks that everyone—any dog, any cat, any human—should make adjustments to her needs. I know that comes from a lack of confidence and we continue to work on that, and in many ways it is endearing. She only wants to know we love her – more than we love her feline brothers, for example.

When she senses that our attention to her is secondary, she will bring herself front and center, just to remind us in her not-so-subtle way who is Number One. Yes, it’s kinda cute, but it’s not very mature, and it’s much less attractive when humans do it. So I wanted to share something that I experienced this week that impressed and inspired me.

I met with a management team for the first time and our topic was “Leadership Development.” At the end of the afternoon, I asked them to provide feedback on the time we spent together: what was the most important thing they had taken from the day?

I didn’t have any expectation for what would be said. We had covered a lot of topics and there were many rich gems that were discussed. But I was bowled over with what I was reading. There was an amazing consistency in a theme articulated by the participants. This is what they said:

“I really need to develop myself in order to better develop and mentor our staff.”

“The most important thing I got out of today is to keep learning more about myself to improve the perception others have of me.”

“Lead by example.”

And the one that really moved me: “Change starts with myself.”

It is all too often that I walk into an organization with a manager saying to me: “I’m having a lot of trouble with one of my employees. Can you work with her?” The implication and often the reality is that the manager does not understand their role in the issues that are happening. It takes two to tango.

Grace continues to learn this lesson, as I think we all do. It’s much too easy to put responsibility on someone else to fix the problem. So I am very excited to see that this group is willing to take the important step of being accountable for the change they want to see. Transformation will never happen without both parties taking ownership for making adjustments.

Saying the right thing at the right time in the right way

On April 15, 2011 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 10 Comments

This is Oliver. Standing in the plant. Where we don't want him to be.

Ever tried to reprimand a headstrong cat? It’s actually quite comical. Depending on the cat’s interest to comply (usually low) and the actual distance you happen to be from the offender at the time of the infraction (if you’re close, better; if you’re far away, forget it), it’s an entertaining, but usually futile exercise.

Grace has two feline brothers, Oliver and Dodger. She is not particularly fond of them, because she’s so jealous of any attention they get from us. She tries to ignore that they are part of the household, so you’d think she would be ecstatic when they get into trouble.

But when we reprimand Oliver or Dodger for their insistence to jump on a counter or perch in the middle of a plant there shouldn’t be, Grace becomes very nervous. She doesn’t like to hear us raise our voice and she immediately comes over to our side, tail down, ears back, and eyes guilty, as if she’s done something wrong. We’re not sure if she thinks she is in trouble herself or just gets nervous because she doesn’t like us to be upset.

I must admit, I find myself tempering my tone when I try to discipline the cats (I know, what’s the point in trying that anyway?) to avoid making Grace anxious.

It definitely makes me think about situations in the workplace when we soften or avoid conflict because we’re afraid of the reaction by the other person. There’s no doubt that voicing an unpopular comment or opinion can make someone uncomfortable, and the regrettable ramification is that it can shut down all constructive conversation.

I just heard a powerful story yesterday about a manager who received a very difficult message about how he was being perceived by his team – yet he took the comment in the spirit for which it was intended, and it worked! He made positive changes in his management style that the team recognized and responded to. We can’t always sugar-coat our message. We just need to be respectful.

Take a strong look at your interactions. Are you making sure to voice the necessary comments and opinions, even if they are difficult for the other person to hear?

When someone does something rude, what should you do? Try compassion.

On April 8, 2011 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 2 Comments

When I first got Grace, we lived next door to a wonderful couple that loved dogs. Kitty and Kevin welcomed Grace unconditionally and went to extraordinary measures to show her that. To say Grace was timid would be grossly understated. Anytime anyone came around, she would cower, bark, and/or hide.

So Kevin felt the best way to win her over was to offer delectable treats. It seemed like a perfectly sensible plan. On several occasions, he arrived at the door with freshly grilled steak bones – made especially for Grace. And yet, time after time, Grace declined. Can you imagine? He was shocked, as was I. What dog would ever, ever, ever refuse a mouth-watering bone that every sensory organ in her body must have been eager to devour? It was unimaginable. Yet it really happened.

When I see this picture of Grace, it makes me wonder what she's thinking about. She has this puzzled look on her face, but she's calm, as if she's trying to figure something out. It's good to take time to think about something before you act.

Her fear was greater than her desire to enjoy those treats. Today, we have to contain her exuberance when she even senses that a marrow bone is within her range. But it was a different story then and despite being snubbed with his incredibly generous efforts, Kevin remained patient and compassionate whenever he was around Grace. She learned to begin to trust, in large part because of the safe environment these kind neighbors offered to her.

When I think about some behaviors in the workplace, it’s much less common for co-workers to have this type of unconditional compassion for each other. Imagine doing something kind for a team member and then that team member isn’t responsive, perhaps doing something distasteful or maybe even rude. It is easy to understand how friction, tension, and untrusting relationships start to develop.

What would happen if we tried to put ourselves in that other person’s shoes? Even if we never understand why another person would do something unacceptable, we always know that having compassion will increase any chance of working through the conflict.

Well-intentioned people sometimes do unkind things

On March 18, 2011 / Communicating, Graceful Leadership / 2 Comments

Kids freak Grace out. Their quick and aggressive movements scare her; she doesn’t know what their intentions are. Based on her street experiences as a pup, kids were known to torment dogs so she’s wary for good reason. In order to protect herself, she growls and bares her teeth hoping to get them to back off. We saw this play out last night when good friends were over for dinner and their active and adorable toddler tried to pet Grace a tad too harshly. It’s nerve-wracking to see Grace expose her teeth and the child gets an impression that Grace is a mean dog—understandably! She’s really not mean-spirited but she’s acting out in a mean way, for sure.

I see this within organizations all the time. Well-intentioned people sometimes do unkind things. If they feel threatened, they might do something to protect their own interests. I’m sure you can think of a number of examples, things like stealing a great idea you had or gossiping about a mistake you made on a project.

If that happens, what do you do? Give that person the silent treatment? Let your frustration fester? It’s certainly a natural reaction to get angry and pull away. But you need to address it constructively. Have a calm and respectful conversation, letting them see your perspective on the situation. Then the chances are greatly increased that similar occurrences won’t happen in the future. If you let it pass, you’re part of the problem. Be a part of the solution.

We do see progress with Grace handling stressful situations with more confidence. About an hour after snarling at the precious toddler visiting us last night, Grace was peacefully napping in her bed. Clayton was running through the living room and unintentionally fell right into her bed alongside her! But instead of snapping, she opened one eye and looked over as if to say: “Watch out next time, would ya?” Then she closed her eyes and went back to her nap. I guess she decided it wasn’t worth getting scared about.